At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
IT’S-A ME,
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool