Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Good morning.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.