LOL
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.