“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.