Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
🚲+physics = winner
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Velcrow
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham