ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.