My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Always the camel, never the toe.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers