[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital