Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.