Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You Might Also Like
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
when u come home smelling like another dog