My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Ah yes. The three genders
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.