The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My teenage children choosing violence
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.