JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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This could be us… but you playing
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…