Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.