I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Uh oh…
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night