Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I can’t stop watching this.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Extremely relatable.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?