8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*launders Kohls cash*