I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
😂💯