Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Worth a try
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂