Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.