*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I only treason on days ending in y
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*