ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
This is a true ally.