How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The game has officially changed 😎
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.