I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m giving up ice.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Cardio Made Easy
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
just got my engagement photos
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino