brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
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Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
But is it really??
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The Others (2001)
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you