waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works