I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.