Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
You Might Also Like
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Come back with a warrant
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.