[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
You Might Also Like
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you