The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.