me working on my assignments ^-^
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Swedish for common sense.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”