Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]