The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me