Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
You Might Also Like
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”