I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
bury ourselves
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real