What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My boss called in sick of me
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords