I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.