The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW