As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Waiting for the Charmin
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Just had my nails done!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
lmao
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*