My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You Might Also Like
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Meanwhile in Portland…
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.