[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I am a gravy boat captain
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.