Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]