The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Cause of death: Zumba
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
notice
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that