I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
There’s never enough good news
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29