Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?