3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.