What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler