If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
huge if true: the moon
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun