Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)