your honor my client chooses dare
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
mood
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.